care

Fri, 30 Nov 2001 06:17:45 GMT

Overcome. Yep. I am simply amazed with what I have found. Wow. Thats all I can say really, Wow. It's more than that though. Much more....I don't really know how to explain how I'm feeling, and it's taken me forvever to write this. Im sort of at a loss of words. So beautiful. I'm all confused, so confused, but she feels so right. I can't stop thinking about her.
So Kris moved in. Man, It's been awhile since I've written in here, so much has happend. But things are cool, just a bit crazy right now. Schools nuts, lifes nuts. I'm sick of being misrable all the time. I'm gonnna start doing what makes me happy. I need to feel alive. I need to plan some road trips. I need to leave this town.
Everyones talking stupid crap right now. I feel like I'm back in Middle school. It's freakin insane. I'm sick of stupid games. I'm just trying to live my own life and be happy. Tis all. And right now, except for the distance in between, I'm really really happy.

WOW..

Tue, 27 Mar 2001 18:37:06 GMT

Life has been insane. I write in my other journal more now, screwedup. Sometimes things arent as they seem, not at all, and I never realized it. Life isn't at all what I thought it was. It's better though, much better. I think I'm beginning to really live, and all I can say is that its amazing. Life is just a bunch of moments put tongther.

Living on the edge....

Wed, 14 Mar 2001 04:27:23 GMT

Today was a cool day. I had tutoring which sucked cause I had the math tutor all to myself for almost 3 hours cause Chaz and Danielle called out.
Then me and Sam went a crusing cause she skipped school. It's crazy how much fun we have..LOL KIT-KAT!
We attempted to pick up Jen from school but then we were smoking this bluzznnnt and we kinda couldent be seen by adults...LOL!
So tommorrow is yet another busy day..Hopefully I will see Matt..I miss him...

Tue, 13 Mar 2001 03:46:26 GMT

I'm lucky to have such great friends. Merrilee helped me out so much last night, and I honestly don't know what I would have done without her.
She was there for me and understood what I was saying so well. It was awesome.
I think I understand so much more about life and love now. Life is sooo much to live and we all need to experience it. Thats different for everyone but life means taking chances but their worth taking, and loving might be a mistake but it's worth making.
Christian-we need to start some shit soooo hummm??? I need a subject...
Sammy, from now on you got shotgun, not trish...
missy, shizzzttt you got the hook up!

Fri, 09 Mar 2001 05:24:14 GMT

So me and Missy went to ringing rocks today, and attempted to ring them with a container of breath mints.. it was so funny, we had no clue what the place was, and there were rocks everywhere so we thought that was it. Then we ran into it, lol.
Anywayz I had a interesting day to say the least. Life can be pretty enteraining sometimes...

Thu, 08 Mar 2001 05:07:45 GMT

Someone said to me tonight that it seems like I don't care about my friends this week. I'm sorry for missing everyones calls, I have had mad shit on my mind, and I'm sorry. Missy...... we need to escape this weekend, I smeeeelll some adventure...Christian, we need to rap some shizzzttt, Merrilee, what can I say? I miss you, and we'll have to have sum coffee tawlk soon, Sam, dude stop getting grounded, I need my co-pilot, noone else can hold the wheel while I light a bowl quite the same way as you can...lol
Anywayzz

I've Given up all I held onto
and am flying freely away,
Never guessed it would be because of you,
But NOW I know IT WILL be ok.

I'll dream a dream that never dies
abandon this world, and reach for the skies,
I'll hold your hand, just don't wonder why
don't ask me the questions, and theres no need to lie.

I didn't want this from the beginning,
I didn't ask for it at the start,
so of course, I had to fuck things up
I just didn't know you'd steal my heart

But I know now,
what I was blind to before,
whats behind the wizards door,
of that I am sure!

Now If I were you,
I would never believe me
because of all the lies before
and the things I didn't mean

BUT this isn't what it seems,
and at my game, YOU had me beat
and for me to make that promise
well that was quite a feat

I don't know what any of it means
but I know one thing to be true
It was worth it, all of it was
BECAUSE I felt real with you.

Oh no........

Wed, 07 Mar 2001 04:42:55 GMT

So hip hop, da crew run run
Better pull some shizzt, or ur ass is done
I really hate to try and boast
but holy shit, your ass is toast

So what the hell are you gonna do?,
when they fuck ur bitch, and she likes it too
Be a fool and beg for more?
Punk ass kid, you know what shes got in store...

Your just a game, that I had beat,
I fucked with you when I needed a treat.
You're not real to me, or I'm not real to you
whaterver it is, this game is quite through,

Your gone, or I'm dead, erase me from your mind,
cause I can't bear to hear you say that you love me this time,
Cause who you think you love, could never be,
Don't argue, you've never even met me

Goodnight moon......

Tue, 06 Mar 2001 08:24:00 GMT

I can't sleep, yet again, staring out the window at the sky, imagining I wasn't here. Somewhere else, beyond my horizen. Past the edges of my mind. It's weird how much a human can think if you only allow yourslef.
Drifting away, into what? A sea of endless thoughts all comming back to one. One underlying truth.
There is so much in me. I have been dead for so long. I chose to die. And now I choose to come back to life.

Sun, 04 Mar 2001 08:35:57 GMT

So shit. Life is fucking insane. Thats about it.
My mind is clear, so I guess thats the good thing, I can take everything in.
Relationships are a funny thing, the way we are with certain people. I wonder how people see me ...
I went to the orchestra tonite, and decided that I need a baby grand piano, like now. That would make me happy, and then it would all be ok, because I could just play music all day. lol!
Tommorrow I am supposed to go to the art mueseum and I better not get snowed in here with all these drunk basterds.
Tonight though, well actutally like around 5, some shit kinda wen down, that made me proud of myself. Like I know that I am ok as a person. I was placed aganist my will in a suitation where I had a choice to make, and I made the right one even though nooone wanted me to. I won't go into details incase that individual happens to read this, but well I suprised myself. Maybe I;m not so evil after all.

Me and Christians freestyle

Sat, 03 Mar 2001 05:33:43 GMT

Who's the old school posse raisin bodies everywhere,
Oh Care, Oh Care,
Who's dropping Psalms like atom bombs,
Oh Care, Oh Care,
Who's bigger and badder than the Chi-town Bears,
Oh Care, Oh Care,
And who's permanatly blunted, high like a bird in the air,
Oh Care, Oh Care,

Now I told you before and I'll say it again,
next on the miggity-mic is one of my friends,
we kickin it old shool straight to the end,
come and try to catch me I'm the gingerbread man.
When Care takes over, the shows over,
you'll need mad luck like a four-leaf clover,
When you're in the car, don't ask her to pull over,
cause the way she drives, you'll be dead on the shoulder,
naw I'm kidding, you know I'm just jokin,
so let's quit all the bullshit and let's start smokin,
We'll roll up some fatties and commence with the tokin,
You'll be so hazed and blazed that you'll think you body's broken,
Now this is strait old school with four lines at a time,
It's not all that hard to end each line in a rhyme,
just pretend you're on Double Dare, and if you fuck up you'll get slimed,
Now kick up some dope lyrics Care, and do it double time!

Christian, my man, pass over dat mike
Now this is all freestyle, I'll try wit my might
Son of Sam is dead, and we crushed her azz
She tired to talk shit, but she could not last
Our words flow, cause we are the shit
now what can she say? Would she even admit?
Together were a team, spittin at fools
They can't come aganist us, They all know theyll lose
Cause we got game, though others may play
and hellz yeah we'll be smoking all fucking day
Blunts, bongs, bowls and more
Fuck what the cops say, they give it more lure
So well be a smoking, a toking, having fun
and I'll be a partying ALL night long

Now The way I drive, well I have mad skill
and I'm mad slow, so what is the deal?
You drove with me once...Come on man we'll crusie
Smoking and toking, feel the apuse
With the Van Dyke turned up all loud
In da Honda Civic, I can fit a big crowd
Crusing round all the day
Boy you gotta see the games of piddidle we play
HA HA we jammin, bob marley and such
BUT missy yells at me and puts up a fuss
YOU got ur lisence so maybe you can talk
BUT come for a ride, if it sucks you can walk

Fri, 02 Mar 2001 04:52:34 GMT

What can I say? My heart is bleeding. I can't get her out of my mind. I allowed myslef to be hurt again, only this time so deep it can never truley heal. For I will always love Julie, so much more than I could ever love anyone. In a way that defines a soul mate. She says that loving me is killing her, and were so real it frightens her. All I wanted at this point was ay least to be able to talk to her. I was ok with that, but I understand how hard it is. I just thought that we'd be close forever, no matter where I was. I believed that, and can't stop thinking it.
I don't understand how she can just go from telling me she couldent wait to see me with a clear head, to letting me completly go. How was that so easy? It were real, it shouldent be.
But I know this all goes so much deeper, so much. I just didn't want to lose our friendship.

SO to the few people who read this journal, I just said it, sorry if I've been ignoring you all the past 2 days, but try and understand, I need to be alone. I told some of you who asked, or witnessed me kinda lose it, to read this.
I've been thinking about Life, and living. I only have four months left, I want to do what I need to do. BUT that doesn't mean I can't live in the moment. NEWS UPDATE**Life IS exciting without drugs. Hanging around Lansdale every friday night, just smoking blunts sucks. GO SOMEWHERE ELSE and smoke ur blunts if you will. Get lost somewhere new and explore. Today I did Mad stuff, to get my mind away. And I saw the world from a new view. It wasw a sad view, I'll admit, and I cried a couple times, but reality is reality, and I have to deal. I can't change Julies mind. But I can't be misrable anymore because I miss someone who can't be near me.

Tue, 27 Feb 2001 04:54:33 GMT

Civilisation is hooped together, brought
Under a rule, under the semblance of peace
By manifold illusion, but Man's life is thought,
And he, despite his terror, cannot cease,
Ravening through century after century
Ravening, raging and uprooting, that he may come
Into the desolation of reality.

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction; while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

"yeats"

Well Well, Life can be pretty crazy when we let it, now can't it....This weekend I ended up in alot of crazy places, Jersery being the fathest. Let me say two things about my trip, "where the hell is trenton Pa??? Yes it is a place" and All mini-van drivers suck.
Sam, hahaha so christian got my back on the rap deal...I dont see you saying shiyyytt anymore,wheres the back up for all the shit you talked? hahahahahahahahahahahah
I love ya though, and our adventures are awesome, Missy we are the shit! Accoseries are a needed part of ANY outfit! lol We gotta go back to that club sometime.
WEll i BETTER go atend to my life and all that. I feel like utter shit and bed sounds so nice..

Sun, 25 Feb 2001 02:07:09 GMT

Well Son of Sam, Posing off of cypriss hill,
quit repeating yourself kid, come on whats the deal?
You talk alot of shit for the youngin you are,
but with the crooked eye thing,
well you went too far.

So listen up, cause this I won't repeat
YOU smell like shit, and YOUR rhymes are beat,
You think you can top me??
Bitch better realize you suck
cause your words don't flow
and you'll need more than just luck.

So either step off that pedestal gracefully
or I'll kick your ass off,
and then you'll see
That you can't compete with me,
cause you ain't got skill
and you think I'M wacko?
What the fuck? whats the deal?
You think I'm so crazy..well check me out then
I'll skin your ass clean, you just tell me when!

So bring it on, if you can't back down,
but I'll make you cry and paint you like a clown
I'll push you down, six feet under da ground
So "the son of sam" will never again be found!

BIATCH!!!
much love...ME

Anywayz Parents suck, I want to go out.... ummm bug party I should be at....dammit!!!!

Sun, 25 Feb 2001 01:51:50 GMT

Well Son of Sam, Posing off of cypriss hill,

Sun, 25 Feb 2001 01:51:49 GMT

Well Son of Sam, Posing off of cypriss hill,

Stopped looking for reality, now searching for good fantasy...

Sat, 24 Feb 2001 06:51:24 GMT

Well now....
Life is sooo busy. I miss Merrilee and Christian, havent seen them in awhile!!
I had quite a day. I got told just how depressed I am and I'm starting to believe it. I find myself slowley getting farther and farther away from everyone. More so like I won't be close to anyone right now and this is probably when I need people the most. How ironic...
I have been very busy and haven't really made time for anyone. It's just now that I can drive theres always something I want to do or somewhere to go. I have gotten like a months worth of shit done in less that a week.
I miss my friends though, but I am trying to improve my life and myself and it's taking up alot of freaking time. I feel like I'm always running errands.
Speaking of which, gotta go to bed, gonna go on a adventure tommorrow and before that I have mad shit to do soooooo Peace for now homies....

Fri, 23 Feb 2001 05:00:50 GMT

Well well here we go...

Listen up Sam, to the words of Care
Try and come against me, just try if you dare,
Cause you ain't got game, so stop playing like you do
Don't make me get started, cause you won't live through.....

You think your mature and that you are mad kewl,
BUT you aint shit, and you act like a FOOL,
Silly hoe, better watch your step, and your back
cause BIATCH, you ain't seen nothin yet..

I'll push you down and then spit in your eye
And you won't get up, I'll laugh if you try
your boney ass, youngin go back to your crib
don't start with me, cause I won't fight with kids

OH NO!!!! LOL

Anywayz hope you liked that, and I love you sam...
So today sucked, and I hate snow. I almost got killed for trying to go 25 miles a hour, SHEESH!
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
I am having a good time latley, and life is staring to make somekind of sense, I know what I want, I'm just not so sure how to get there.
I want to feel real and alive, and I think like the email I sent out with the lyrics to Dance say it...I want to live each moment for what it's worth, and I'll be dammed if I grow up to wish I had lived my life differently. I will do what I feel is right. Whos to tell me what my morals should be? I always wish I had said something or done something, well I think from now on I am going to try to do it......So beware everyone..

WELLLL>>>>

Wed, 21 Feb 2001 07:36:26 GMT

So I have been driving all around for the paast few days....I love it. I've been going out with the girls on all sorts of adventures. Its been pretty kewl.
So thats what im doing, jammin to my tunes crusing round this world. I'm working at fridays now so hopefully soon I'll be able to get a kewl stero.
Anywaya...sam bring on da rap......think you got game??

Follow me----------->

Sat, 17 Feb 2001 06:59:03 GMT

WELLLLLL>>>>
I got my license!! And I got like perfect!! GO ME!
SO I have been driving around today and yesterday like crazy.
The concert was kewl. I met Matt and huggie from 94.1 fm and the lead singer or slaves on dope. The club was really cool too and I met this guy from drexel who writed for the paper.
Anyway so I need my own car because then I will have complete freedom.

So tonite I went to this guys house and jammed with them. OMG, they had soooo much equitment I was drooling... I want a band dammit!
So I hung out with da crew and drove round. But It was a good day, I'd say.

Happy Valentines day!!!!

Wed, 14 Feb 2001 19:34:31 GMT

Well this is going to be the far my most interesting valentines day yet. I'm going to the fear factory concert tonight and then nocturne, so it will be quite a new experience.
I got this kewl shirt with a red sparkly pixie on it and this tight black almost fishnet material shirt to wear under it. It has red sparkly stars on it. And I borrowed big azz black jencos, and bought a spike belt. hehehe So I'm set.
I even got Nate fox to promise to be my protector....so no scary freaks will hit on me...
Im excited.
SO Julies took me to a movie last night, we saw save the last dance. It was good. God I miss her so much. I wish I got to see her more.
So anyways I better go figure out this crap for the show........hope its kewl..later

48 hours till my birthday

Tue, 13 Feb 2001 06:19:14 GMT

Ok..like.. well I am going to this club in Philly wednesday and this concert at the electric factory. Missy is going to get me all dressed up like a freak! It's going to be soo funny. I haven't worn anything even remotly close to that style in soo long. I do kinda miss my big pants though....
Ne ways I still can't sleeo, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me my mind just keeps thinking... Anyone ever have this problem? It's been like a month now, where I can't fall asleep for hours. Maybe I just have unfinished things in my mind.
I miss matt. I thought of him today. There are alot of guys in my life right now, but I read something he said tonight that made me think I want to be something in his life. It also made me a new enemy......guess who?????
Anyway sitting here in complete quiet smoking the days last cigeratte.......

Fri, 09 Feb 2001 22:51:15 GMT

I just got my nails fixed!!!YEAH MAN! They're this really kewl shade of purple. Anyway so I met with Dr.Berchick today, and we are trying to figure out what is going on with school. Hopefully I will get put on homebound to graduate. That way I will be sure to graduate.

Anyway unsure of what I'm doing tonite. Hopefully not the same old bull shit. I can't wait to drive next week, I sooooo wish I could right now, cause Giz has my pot and I need to get there to get it!!!

Fri, 09 Feb 2001 00:50:31 GMT

Well, Tommorrow my school fate is decided. Sigh. I got my sleep schedule all messed up once again, so now I'm never going to be able to get up tommorrow, and I have to.
Well so here I am all alone on a thursday evening. Merrilee took off for S.c to pick up a friend. She said to Sam that she might not be comming back. She never said anything like that to me. I know Christian has to be back for school but who knows about her. If she doesn't come back right away I will be sooo mad if she doesnt tell me.
Anyway Matts grounded forever, and I found myself thinking about him today, and then he called. I guess I was suprised, missing him and all. It's funny you don't think about someone serisouly until you can't see them. I hope his mom doesn't hate me, that would make things hard. SIGH...
EVERYONE, please stop talking about me and matt too, please. I don't know who all keeps talking about it, but it's really not your buisness and I really like him. Its not a game so Id appriciate it if you'd stop making it one. And you know who u are.
Anyway I am bored, someone do something!!! Gotta go find a cigeratte. BYE BYES

Thu, 08 Feb 2001 08:32:34 GMT

Its really late, yawn. Today I went to Ruby Tuesdays and got a job! go me! I chilled with Christian and Kevin, and ate Chinese food with my mom, yum.
I feel really numb tonite. I saw Shawn and he gave me a hug. I cant believe it. I was so shocked. Part of me wanted to hit him but if hes going to be civil and nice I will be too. Even If its only cause of jeena. I miss the friendship we had, she was soo close to me through all that shit and the past 3 years of craziness.
Matts grounded forever. :-C It really sucks, but it gives me time to think about him, and what i feel. I had really wanted to see him today, I missed him.
anyway better go got so much to figure out...

GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!!

Wed, 07 Feb 2001 03:36:17 GMT

Ok, so like does anyone else see the immaturity in this whole thing? I wish you guys could all act grown up a little bit more. I mean I'm not taking sides, I love you all, regardless of what you do, people make mistakes, I just think this entire thing was handled sooo wrong which made it worse for all parties involved. I want my friends to be happy, thats all. It's not fair for everyone to be upset over this, nor is it really that huge of a thing in the big picture, so there is no reason for this to have been the number one gossip topic of the day. I mean this is all you will hear me say about this, and there are others that feel the same way, its over, in the past, deal with however you want, its done.